I know that no one will ever accuse me of being “Suzy Sunshine” and I really, honestly try to find the positive spin on things. Sometimes I go out of the way to point out something positive, to the point where I feel like I am being so fake and ridiculous, but hey, people like positive, happy people. Too bad it isn’t in my nature.  But I guess it is a positive that I have made it through another year alive. This is an accomplishment considering the numerous suicidal tendencies that I have acquired in the last few months.

I’d like to think there is a god, and I pray pretty much every night that if there is a merciful god, then said god should kindly allow me to die in my sleep and relieve me of the torture that I endure every day in this painful life. It’s a shame really. I know I should be grateful that I am healthy (other than the near crippling levels of depression as of late) and have a job, and I’m reasonably decent looking, and of mostly normal weight. I know I should feel grateful for the things that I have, so it makes me feel even guiltier and more ashamed that I have so little desire to live anymore.

In the last year, I have cried more than I have in the decade, and when I go to work in the morning, I can barely get up. When I get there, I can barely concentrate. It’s a miracle (see that’s a positive thing!) when I make it through the work day and through the door at home before the tears start falling. But lately it is getting so much harder to hide.

I’ve been drinking so much lately to numb it, but it’s not helping. I’ve resorted to cutting myself, which actually does release some decent endorphins to help dull the emotional pain, at least for awhile. But it makes me feel worse when I hear people making jokes about people that do this. Nobody would ever guess that I have this habit. The funny thing is, the only reason I started was that I tried slitting my wrists about a year ago. I chickened out, but it helped me feel better for awhile. But last night was really rough. I think the worst I’ve been this year. And normally I’m a really quick healer and so I went a bit harder than I normally do. I bled a lot more than I normally do. Also, I kinda tried to open a vein. Ok, I was actually a lot more suicidal last night than normal.

Just like everything else in my life that I’ve done in the last two years, I failed again. And now, I’ve got cuts on my wrists that are harder than normal to cover. And sadly, the situation that is causing my anguish is not going to end for at least another month. I don’t know if I can hold on for another month or so. If I can hold on for another week, I’ll be surprised. Well, it seems like a good place to stop. The vodka and vicoden are kicking in and I’m sleepy. And again tonight I will pray that there is a merciful god that will end my pain and let me go quietly in my sleep. And if not, I should offer an apology to the neighbors that may be subject to any unpleasantness that I may subject them to if I can’t hold on any longer.

The field I am currently in is very subjective to begin with, so good vs. bad and right vs. wrong are not always clear. And even worse, for the products that are created, a lot of the profits happen because the gregarious types that sell are just good at networking, and making friends, or kissing ass, or whatever to sell the products. Sure, the occasional customer may actually look at the products, but in general, just like how most of the rest of the world works, it boils down to whose buddy has the money, and not really about whether or not one product is truly spectacular and another is terrible, because when you strip away the pretty colors and designs, the content of the products is essentially the same. It has to be, that’s is what the market needs.

So, as I type this, the dread of having to go into the “Groundhog’s Day” from hell office to relive the same torture again makes me want to kill myself. I have prayed for hours, I scour job boards, I’m trying to figure out another way that I can pay my bills and release myself from this hell, and I just don’t know what to do. I have always thought of myself as a resourceful problem solver, but just like my job, I seem to be failing at life.

Wow, I said it, failing at life. Well, it’s true. This is probably a bad direction to go, but I have to let this out. I don’t want to burden the very few friends that I do have with my feelings, so I will post them to this entirely unread blog. That’s fine, I don’t actually want people to know, or care about me. It does seem to validate my feelings though. So here they are–I feel entirely pointless.

Like a pencil with a broken tip, just no point at all. This is what it feels like to be that low man on the pole. And there really is no hope in sight. The “Powers that Be” that spend their time reorganizing the management and firing the administrative people, must feel like they are important since they seem to think that the low people are so disposable. And they are going to re-title us soon too. Probably just so they can further assert their perceived dominance over those of us that are lesser beings than them.

So it appears that my issues are two-fold. I admit that I have a bit of an inferiority complex. Combine the inferiority issues with the frustration of being given no respect at work, even though I am certain that I have earned it, and it adds up to one very frustrated person. Combine the aforementioned with my ongoing personal life issues, and dear god, I got issues. So, it seems that this entry, just like all the others, will be concluding on a depressing tone and indicating that I really should suck it up and go see a shrink and get medicated. Maybe then I will feel less pointless in this miserable life.

Anyway, I’m still lonely. In the last year, a big change has come over me. I realize every day how self absorbed I’ve become in the last few years and try very hard to avoid saying “I” and “me” in social settings after becoming so aware of this fact. But, since nobody else actually reads this, some self absorption shouldn’t be too much of an issue.

So, back to the lonely. Anyway, in the last year, my clock has been ticking quite loudly. And as much as I had been hitting the snooze button on it, it seems that the snooze button is now broken. Funny thing though, it was all started by my boyfriend’s urgings.

When I was a kid, I always dreamed of being someone important, like a flight attendant, or the head of a company wearing a suit with shoulder pads, and being like Angela from “Who’s the Boss?” and likely because my own parents were entirely absent from my life, after the age of 7 (before that I used to play house with my cousin and we always had babies) the thought of having kids, or even that it may someday be possible, never crossed my mind. At all. Ever. Also, I never had a dream of a wedding. Actually never considered that getting married may be a possibility someday either. So what did I think about? No, really, what? I know since I spend so little time with other people and didn’t really start watching a lot of movies until I got a Netflix account in March.

Hmm, well, reading took up a lot of time. And I remember spending hours on end looking at this time share catalog, dreaming about traveling, in particular, to Europe and all over the US, and some other countries too. And a lot of time was spent studying. But for what, well, I don’t really know.

When my later years of high school rolled around, it was assumed that I would go to college, but for what purpose? Well, according to my career wants in my records, I wanted to be either an eye doctor, psychiatrist, or some sort of business leader. But still, what did I think about?

As a senior, I recall that my biggest priority when I went to college was that I didn’t want to share a bathroom with a bunch of people and I almost ended up at a school where I would have had an entirely different experience, had I chosen my education based on bathroom preferences. However, the few people that really do know me know that the bathroom thing would not have surprised them. Haha, sad but true.

So when I got to college, what did I think about? Well, first semester, I recall how much I hated it, as homesickness was prevalent. And I barely saw my boyfriend, who ended up marrying a girl from his dorm that he met while we were dating, but I digress…

Anyway, I only remember making one goal in college that I thought about a lot, but it was a very general goal–I wanted to work for a certain organization. It turns out that the very general goal that I made was achieved.

It has just occurred to me that the title of this post is not aptly named, as it has taken a completely different direction than I anticipated–writing does that sometimes. But it also seems to show me that I really need to make some goals for myself that include other people and relating better to others otherwise, I will just be in the same sad, lonely place at this time next year. If I can survive the loneliness for another year…

What started out as a way to try to gain writing experience for a portfolio has turned into a sort of online diary. And a pretty sad one at that. Life has just not turned out like I expected it to in the last few years. The attempt at fulfilling my writing dream has turned into a nightmare, and an epic fail nightmare at that.

So, another year of life is under my belt. People starting a new year at school, and the season about to change again. And my life has been stalled. For almost the last year pretty much nothing has changed. I fell in love with a man, and one that really can’t be with me, at least now, and probably not for months more, and I just don’t know what to do anymore. Life is just so lonely and so stagnant and pathetic and depressing, and I just don’t know how much more I can take. Here is just one example of how a person can be in a city, surrounded by people and still feel more alone than anyone else in the world.

So, I live in the Gold Coast. A fantastic neighborhood. The residential area and houses on the streets north of Division between Clark and Lake Shore Drive are some of the most beautiful around. It feels like you aren’t even in the middle of the city. Walking along, it can be so fabulous on the way to the park. And walking through the park is fabulous. And it can be so quiet. But when you spend all your time alone, it starts to ware on you.

When you walk through the park and into the zoo, you are surrounded by families and all the fat little kids. This is a place in the city where it can really sink in. You suddenly realize when you turn to your left and then to your right and you realize that not a single person among the throngs of people there know your name, or who you are, or care if you get hit by a bus, or if you dropped dead right there, would anybody care?

I’ve been so depressed with the lack of progress that has happened in my “relationship” for the last several months. I’m entirely in love with somebody that can’t be with me. I can’t even talk with my friends about this and have become so isolated in the last few months and so lonely that I can barely function. I don’t know what to do, and don’t know how long I can keep this up. This is killing me. How is it possible that a person can live with more than a million people around them and feel like they are the only person on the planet?

I’m so unhappy with the place I am now with my job, sort-of career, but I’m scared to death to make another wrong decision and I’m paralyzed with fear. I dream of doing creative things, but don’t think that will pay the bills. And lets be honest, after the pay cut I took six years ago to take what at the time was what I thought was my dream job and turned out to be an absolute nightmare of a struggle for five years, I’m tired of fighting this battle. And tired of breaking even for current expenses, but not making progress on my old bills and not able to handle emergency bills from the vet.

So, I’m starting to think that maybe the more lucrative path would be a good way to go since the artsy path is not going to pay the bills. My heart is kinda pulling in one direction and the practical side is whispering that you are just not making life  progress by following the do-gooder path that is currently a rut. What to do, what to do? At this point I’m thinking about consulting a magic 8-ball.

I feel just like I did back in college. I really wish I had spent a lot more time with those career counselors in college. You see, when I was in college, I chose my major partially for what I liked, but mostly to avoid majors where I was afraid of failing the classes. Well, I wish I would have challenged myself a bit more, or tried more artistic courses. Because, I spent 4.5 years in college getting a BA that is pretty much useless, and I’ve spent the last 10 years working in low-level, pretty lame, unchallenging, disrespected, positions. I so frustrated. With myself.  Yes, there is no other person in the world to blame for my lack of upward movement. I made a lame choice in college and have been paying the consequences for that lame choice, because I feared failure.

Honestly, it would have been so much better to fail a class in college, and challenge myself and possibly find something that I really liked, or possibly loved. Instead I have been failing myself in life for ten years now. And spent nine years paying for about 32 grand in students loans for that BA. Wow. God, how I wish I could meet up with a real Time Lord, preferably in David Tennant form, hop in his TARDIS, and travel back to 1996 and make better decisions. If I knew then what I know now, I would have double majored in something business oriented for practical purposes, and then something like art or pre-med. Funny, even today I still can’t decide what I want to be if I grow up.

So, how do people pick a direction? I am so unhappy with my life right now. Don’t get me wrong, I am so grateful to have a job in this economy. But, at the same time, I am so bored with my job that I could cry just to amuse myself. I’m frustrated, bored, and basically have many of the symptoms of depression, but I don’t think I’m actually depressed. Just frustrated with the situation I have created by not just picking a direction and moving toward a goal. This is probably common, the fear of making a mistake by picking the wrong direction, so you just don’t pick a direction and suddenly, you are like a leaf in a tornado, getting thrown around without any control, and seemingly in circles, or possibly no actual direction. So life is chaos, with low wages, no actual goals to strive toward, since there isn’t a direction.

Given the subject matter of the degree that I do hold–it is very ironic that I haven’t picked a direction and feel so lost. If there is some way to help a girl figure out what she wants in life, any help that would previously have been shunned, will now be welcomed, as long as you aren’t my brother telling me to move to Texas or my dad telling me to start a business to do things for which I have no interest, skills, or experience. Actually, a complete stranger would be able to advise me better than my own family, so to reiterate, suggestions are more than welcome.

In the meantime, I will continue to drag myself to work in a fluorescent, jail-cell like space, (but at least I have an awesome iMac!)  where there is no privacy, and I am close to falling asleep at any given moment because I am lacking intellectual stimulation, a creative outlet, and am currently dealing with big changes within the company that should be considered exciting, but are mostly just annoying. Oh, for the love of humanity, can somebody please help me find a new direction for my career?

With the notable exception of a handful of women, all of which are overweight by the way, and I don’t know if that is a coincidence or not, but that handful feel warm or even hot at average room temperatures. Then, there is the rest of us that have heaters under our desk and fleece jackets, sweaters, blankets, and scarves that are absolutely necessary in order to function on a day-to-day basis. I wish somebody could explain why HVAC systems are so difficult to control. If somebody has an answer, I would love to hear it.

Granted, it has been awhile since I’ve seen “The Truman Show” but let’s face it, I’m not a details person, which is actually sort of ironic given my day job…Anyway, to me, the most memorable part of this movie was that Truman did everything he could to leave town so see the world and get out of his boring, predictable life, and no matter what he did, his efforts were thwarted by seemingly incredible circumstance. Obviously, the fella pulling the strings behind the scenes had a lot to lose if Truman did indeed succeed in making his way out of town. I feel like I have been starring in my own version of  “The Truman Show”  for a few years now.

I swear I’m not generally a “poor me” type and I don’t thrive on self pity for attention. Rather, I am as much of a loner as I can possibly be in a suburban area of, oh, 5 million or so people, and have an apartment in the Gold Coast of Chicago. I am very self sufficient, and entertain myself more often than I go out. I don’t really need to have my ego stroked at bars anymore, that was so 22 year-old me. I’m much more self-confident at 33. But at the same time, I am feeling like that dude in the Atari game “Pitfall 2″ where you could make hime run into a wall, repeatedly with the push of a joystick and it would make this funny sound but not move anywhere, but you knew Pitfall guy was trying to move, since he was making a sound, but just not going anywhere.

Okay, so now, I’m comparing myself to a movie and an Atari game, and I’m thinking another cliche is likely to come…Anyway, I keep trying to make progress like “Pitfall” guy, but no matter how much I try to move forward, or maneuver around, or take a step back and reassess before trying again to move forward, the most ridiculous obstacles show up and all I can say is, “Are you fucking kidding me?” It’s really getting ridiculous. So much so that I went to see a psychic, or more accurately, an “intuitionist” today. What really do I have to lose? Well, I will tell you–hope. Hope is what you have to lose. She told me I’m very logical, and a few other things that were, in essence, heartbreaking. But my logic is also telling me that, well, it’s a rough economy and people that are seeking her advice are probably all facing similar psychological situations and the advice seemed like it was pretty general and like it probably applies to 90% of the clients she sees. But at the same time, she tells me on not on the path that I was destined to be on , and that I wouldn’t get there for awhile and that spiritually, something negative was around me, though it was not me, but something outside my control was holding me back. Well, gosh, I’ve felt like that forever, and maybe it’s true, maybe it isn’t. But it still make me feel like I’m in my own personal version of “The Truman Show” and that I should have spent that 10 bucks on beer instead…

So, how does one spark such a passion, and then proceed to fuel it to grow into an obsession?  I just noticed an update on FB and checked. Apparently for my nephew, a Packer victory over the Bears means that it is the “Greatest day of my life,” but then again, nephew has had a pretty crappy life thus far in his 12 years on this planet.  Just sayin’, so I’m glad it brings him some joy. But really, where do these feelings come from? It’s like there is some sort of drug and these people are feeling the ecstasy that is normally reserved for those that experience true physical love. Nephew (and thousands of other people) seems to have his priorities a bit out of whack. It’s a bloody game for god’s sake. Somebody will win and somebody will lose. And the winners will inevitably thank god for allowing them their rightful win. As god was the guiding hand in their victory and it was a reward for their undying faith. Well, does that mean the losing team will curse god for screwing them for the cold weather, or for bringing some other hindrance that caused them to lose said game? I’ve never seen it happen. I wonder if anybody ever has had the balls to blame god for a loss in a sporting event, or the golden globes, or American Idol, or well, you get the picture.

Why is it that people always thank god first when something good happens, and when something bad happens, there is never any blame placed on god? Is it just too taboo for people to admit their real feelings or do they really not feel like they got screwed by god? And how do they end up with such deeply rooted feelings over something that doesn’t fulfill any physical needs? I wonder if they fantasize that they are actually one of the players and feeling the glory of  fans cheering and like they are a hero, or something. Normally, I understand the motives of other people pretty clearly, but this is one case where I just can’t get inside the heads of these impassioned fans. Maybe one day I will understand–but I’m not counting on it.

Honestly, most of my stress and misery has surrounded a person in my life that is very close to me. But the thing is, this person shouldn’t even be in my life right now. This person lied to me, betrayed me, and in general is very selfish. I don’t even know why I keep wanting to have faith in him. I have never been the type that is attracted to bad boys. I am attracted to him on a primal level, I can tell you that. I find his natural smell after a workout to be the sexiest thing in the world. I am physically attracted to him, and he has his moments where he is very sweet and kind. But my god, he has made some of the worst choices ever. Like, we’re talking shockingly bad choices.

Sometimes I just want to give up and never look back. But he has grown on me. I love him. Even though he has done some terrible things to me, I feel the need to have compassion and mercy for a soul that is mostly good, but has a lot of life lessons to learn. After the most recent shenanigan, I am really having a tough time with forgiveness. But what kind of human would I be if I couldn’t forgive him and embrace the fact that he has made a lot of progress in the maturity level in the last few months. I just wish I didn’t have so much pain because of him. But, in the long run, I feel like if we have been through this much already and we are still together, then we could probably manage to be together for a lifetime. Since all of the things that I had worried that would happen with him have come true now, there really is nothing else that he could do that would surprise me. Well, there is one thing, but I don’t think that he would be able to get into seminary school…